DC or SF
Cities of Sin
THE THOUGHT: Old gods, new world
Noah Smith
Washington D.C. is the brain of an old god, and San Francisco is the brain of a new one. Human beings have long functioned like cells in the bodies of larger organisms. In the 20th century the nation-state proved that it was the strongest of the Old Gods, and there it has lain, torpid in its victory, ignorant of the entirely new type of god that was being born 2500 miles to the west.
In San Francisco, in every party, in every restaurant, in every coffee shop, they are talking – in hushed and reverent and occasionally terrified tones — of this new god, the mechanical child-being that they are midwifing into existence. In Washington D.C. they are talking of tax policy and interest rates and Chinese manufacturing.
In San Francisco they are preparing to become pets of a world-machine, hoping against hope that when the planet is blanketed in a grid of data centers and solar panels, the new god will afford them a small park in which to live out their lives as the animals they once were. In Washington D.C. they are wringing their hands about Immigration and Customs Enforcement and wokeness and trans women on sports teams.
In San Francisco, 27-year-olds making $10 million a year eat 5-MeO-DMT and talk to mannequins, and the mannequins talk back and offer actual wisdom. In Washington D.C., 27-year-olds making $60,000 a year dip stale shrimp in bland cocktail sauce and signal their ideological bona fides by making fun of the proper ethnic group as they plan their slowly ascending careers.
In San Francisco they sing songs of the End; in Washington D.C., it is Tuesday.
Noah Smith writes a newsletter called Noahpinion. It’s mostly about economics. He also has a very cute pet rabbit
THE AFTERTHOUGHT: What is man for?
Audrey Horne
The West’s proclivity for cults has crossbred with its frontier spirit and the advent of AI to create a new rational mysticism. Its engineer priests, preaching the gospel of Optimism, prop up the Machine God as he extends his spirit across the vast prairies and straight into the hearts of policy opportunists in DC, who eagerly ride the waves set in motion by the titans of Silicon Valley.
Both coasts sing the same tune: Aren’t you sick of destruction? Of resentment? Don’t you want to build?
I dated a guy once who thought most human problems could be solved with abundance, like in Star Trek. If everyone were fed, watered, housed, then humanity would flourish. It was impossible to argue with this take.
I protested anyway, drawing from my staunch evangelicalism: “the poor will be with you always,” I quoted at him, “human nature will never change, we’ll just invent new problems.”
“But the problems will be lesser,” he replied.
I loved his optimism. But it wasn’t enough.
I don’t trust the builders. Their vision of the future is too sterile. I don’t trust the regulators. The accelerationists seem naïve at best, either missing the heart entirely or dismissing it altogether, crafting a strange, bloodless cheer out of their visions. Even the skeptics can only gesture at the question of AI in the language of risk mitigation and job loss.
In DC, I’ve noticed Christians echoing this tendency — the Bay’s vocabulary is familiar in form at least. Creation, renewal, the building of a new world. In theory, it maps cleanly onto a Christian framework; the bridge to the pagan West builds itself. In practice, it feels colder. “Building” has replaced loving as the highest good.
It’s as if the point of the future is only that it should arrive, optimized. For years we asked what man was for. Today we only ask what man can do.
Audrey Horne co-edits Secret Ballot.
THE FEELING: Bad Weather
Katie Kahn
Over the weekend, I was in Washington, D.C. It was 30º and raining, and my return to New York was delayed by a fake tornado. Meanwhile, my friends and family in San Francisco, my homeland, were enjoying an unprecedented 80º end to winter. I didn’t hear from my parents for two days and messaged “is everyone okay?” My mom sent a voice note from her Apple Watch while e-biking along the idyllic Marin shoreline: “We’re fine! It’s beautiful out! How are you?”
I wasn’t okay.
I muted the terms “San Francisco” and “weather” from my timeline for my mental health. It doesn’t feel fair that after my entire life in California, I’m not there to wear a bikini in Dolores Park. And, when I go back to the Bay in April for work, there will probably be historic floods, knowing my luck.
Despite the weather, I had fun in DC, but that’s because I’m a fun person. I could have fun in a dentist’s chair, and, to be honest, that’s how DC can feel. DC is a town built on hierarchy, secrecy, and scarcity. Everything wonderful is behind glass in a museum or crystalized in marble, and you have to deal with glaring security guards to get to it. It’s antithetical to my Bay Areaness: egalitarian, radically transparent, and spoiled by nature’s beauty.
I often describe the San Francisco attitude as “abundance mindset at scale”. If you leave a party in SF without a new friend, a job offer, or free research chemicals, you must have been hiding under a table. It doesn’t matter if you’re rizzless or swagless or dripless or homeless—there is someone who will find something to love in you, and maybe even recruit you to a cult (yay! friends!), in San Francisco.
Perhaps the influx of gormless strivers in the wake of the AI-boom has altered the perception of this a bit. Yes, I recently read that X thread in which someone called SF tech culture “transactional” and then described their own nakedly transactional behavior. Social media isn’t reality. Even if SF residents are 20% more stingy on good vibes, I guarantee people in LA are still 10x worse. Some things never change.
And, double that for DC: “Hollywood for Ugly People” isn’t accurate. Plenty of DC people aim not to be perceived at all. They are quietly plotting and scheming evil things, like taxes on good people or tax breaks for bad people. They’re wearing pervert glasses and bad suits, speaking in riddles when you ask what they do. There are so many whisper networks and shadow organizations. And, to what aim?
Money? Go to Silicon Valley or Wall Street!
Sex? Go to LA or Miami!
Power? That’s not even real! Money and Sex are the only real things.
Maybe I’ve been too harsh. I’ll be in DC soon for a conference, and the cherry blossoms should be popping from their calyces. You can try to convince me then. There are two cities in my heart (SF and NYC), but, like many San Franciscans before me, I would consider bringing in a third. Ha ha ha.
Katie Kahn is a Tech Bro from the Bay, LA, and NYC.
THE FIND: Sweets Spots in San Francisco and Popular Tech Books
Fancy Wheat Field and Philmore Creamery
Recommended by Mary Fischer
Fancy Wheat Field, at the cusp of Chinatown and North Beach, is a classic Chinese bakery: self-serve plastic tongs and the employees are straight to business. Basically catty-corner from City Lights*, it’s the perfect antidote to too much William Burroughs. I get the taro bun, the cheesecake or the pork sung roll.
After taking my mom to the symphony last month, we stopped at Philmore Creamery. The gelato is smooth, the seating is limited, and the walls are lined with old family photos. Would recommend the mascarpone cherry.
*A great SF bookstore
Mary Fischer writes House of Love and teaches U.S. Government. She lives in Northern California.
Against the Machine and The Technological Republic
Recommended by Lydia Griffith
You’re one of two people. You use a pseudonym on Facebook and fear for your privacy and resist materialism and boycott Amazon prime and judge your friends who own SHEIN — you’re “unplugged.” Or you’re chill, okay with the not-that-deepness of everything.
Okay that’s not true. It’s more complicated than that. We all online shop. We all have iPhones, and our iPhones are in their teens.
Truth be told, I’d like to be in Camp One, but maybe I don’t have the courage or the paranoia or whatever it takes to *resist.* If you don’t have Amazon Prime, chances are that’s a conscious objection on your part. Paul Kingsnorth, in his book Against the Machine, urges on that fight. And it’s not a mistake to take him seriously, and to consider the powers that be around us that are working in us and moving through us… and with us.
But on the other hand: Iran. As the Very Wise And Authoritative Pete Hegseth says, “The big bad meanies need to be stopped” (paraphrased). It used to be that the person with the biggest nukes won, but perhaps the future victories belong to the country with the best technology. That’s what Palantir’s Alex Karp thinks, and he makes the practical and philosophical case in his book The Technological Republic. Give it a read. Especially if you know or think you disagree.
Lydia Griffith lives and dates in Colorado Springs.
THE BLUFF: Roadblock/Shortcut
Clark Gable
“Hi, what’s your name? What do you do? Who do you work for?” The latter two were introductory questions I have been trying to excise from my vocabulary. Now they ‘re coming back full force, because when in Rome…
In the left coast land of high tech and vibes, the de facto rules of the road are to be helpful and interesting - despite any personality ‘tism you might have. Personality is a plus, but everyone will overlook it if you’re interesting enough. “What are you working on? What are you interested in?” These are the ice breaking mixer questions of San Francisco, from the hungry startup founder to the recently-exited founder/early employee in stealth mode, all trying to try and not looking like they’re trying – all while attempting to be personable*.
Good people like and know good people, and you want to be seen as good people and therefore, by transitive property, be a good person. In the roadblock/shortcut world of the DC swamp, I’ve noticed there’s a different M.O. If you’re not fitting to advance my agenda: Thank you, next. Wow, harsh. Can’t we just be friends?!?
Default ‘helpful mode’ can’t be the case, lest you want to be used, burned, and discarded. Just because you can help doesn’t mean you should help because then what’s in it for you? I’ve learned and been told to learn and understand how people want to be approached about subjects and opportunities. Interactions needed to be finessed and not bluntly hit with a brick of ‘tism. That’s right, social capital is a thing.
But really though, can we actually just be friends (for who you are and not for your agenda – or at least, less of one)?
I am but one more transplant in the swamp trying to know “who you are, what you do and what your vibe is,” for now. There’s an outstanding bet that I’ll move to NYC in a year. Time will tell. It was nice to meet you.
*Note: personal hygiene is a must regardless.
Clark Gable is a bicoastal baddie.
THE VOTE
HOT MIC
THE TALLY
Polymarket Punch. First PubKey, now this. Polymarket is hosting a pop-up bar called “The Situation Room” where you can literally monitor the situation over drinks (as if that’s not what we’re already doing at every other bar in this city.) The pop-up opens at Proper 21 on K Street on Friday and will be serving through the weekend. We will report back.
Hill and Valley Forum, the annual gathering of lawmakers, defense leaders, and VCs to combat China’s influence on the American tech industry, is convening in DC on March 24.
Saint Patricks Day in Washington:
One Democrat staffer messaged us: “The parties were too intimate. Can’t give away names but various Irish-American politicians* celebrated St. Patty’s Day by either renting out pubs or other spaces. Unfortunately no drunken revelry, and very little dancing.”
*Tattooed oysterman and Maine Senate Candidate, Graham Platner, is rumored to have been among them. His event was supposedly held at Exiles and had a turnout of over 100.
A source on the White House SPD Event: “A depressingly pasty room. You would have hoped that a meeting between two of the world‘s most bronzed subcultures – the spray-tan-addicted Hibernians and the Palm Beach set – would have produced a brighter audience. Sadly we were beyond the pale.”
Housewives on the Hill. Members of the Real Housewives franchise, including breakout star Nene Leakes from Real Housewives of Atlanta, hosted an event for HIV awareness and prevention in a room at the Senate’s offices on Wednesday, moderated by Steve Clemons.
Waymo Wars. A correspondent writes: “Visit San Francisco these days and your friends will surely want to take you on the cities most technologically advanced set piece: the driverless Waymo. Indeed they’re hard to miss, 1000 White Jaguar iPace’s with a slew of sensors and cameras jutting out, most notably the large LiDar on the roof, whirring and zipping across the city completely autonomously. Fans rave about them. A private space with your own music and at your temperature; no chance you have to avoid awkward small talk (or worse) from a taxi or Uber drive. Spend any time at all on tech twitter and you’re likely to see “I love Waymo” tweets across your timeline.
Their fleet has expanded now to 3000~ cars and 10 cities, most prominently Phoenix and L.A., with a handful more, including New York, D.C., stuck in a regulatory limbo, as politicians decide if they want to allow such a technology, which may displace driving jobs.
This political pushback may be the first of many in a broader anti-AI movement, where regulators weigh the benefits of AI products to consumers against significant workplace disruption, with an estimated 50,000+ driving positions in the D.C. area alone at risk”
Don’t Miss:
Peak Bloom is projected March 29-April 1. Cherry blossom enthusiasts prepare!!!
The Phillips Collection is hosting their monthly social, Phillips after 5, on April 2, this time themed around Joan Miró’s cosmic work. Crafts, cocktails, art, music, astrology and more. Tickets. Is it finally time to get that couples membership?
Party City. Do you have a space or know of a venue where we can host readings, debates, or even P A R T I E S? Let us know! E-mail secretballotdc@gmail.com
Gossip or intelligence? We can’t tell the difference. Send your scoops and events to secretballotdc@gmail.com and we’ll post them anonymously.
Erika Jayne was in the Capitol and no one invited me